For full version (with all the sick jokes fm zacc), refer to mua blog!

A Simple Way To Ask Your Boss for a Raise


Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,



I Fired My Secretary Today


Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “happy birthday!”, and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “happy birthday.”

I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn’t say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “good morning, boss, happy birthday!” it felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “you know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “you know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“OK.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “happy birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.




Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.

‘I’m going to be away for a long time,’ I told him. ‘I’m going to Iraq .’

‘Why?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?’




His wife’s grave side service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’




A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?




The next time you’re having a bad day, imagine this: You’re a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay. You’re not. …

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one butt.

Feel better?




My five-year-old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, “Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”

I took a deep breath, then asked “What did you call it?”

“It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!”

And so it does: “A f r i c a n E l e p h a n t”.

Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?




A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

“Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”

“One Cent?” the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

“A nickel,” the barman replied.

“A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man asked “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replied “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”



In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.



A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”




A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and a gorgeous blonde was eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye flew out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively caught it out of the air.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back into place. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after a bit she led him into the bedroom. The couple had a wild, passionate night.

The next morning when he awakened, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed. The guy was amazed. “You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No” she replied, “you just happened to catch my eye.”



I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.